Practicing self care is all about practicing prioritizing yourself. This a lot easier said than done, especially when we are so often used to displacing our power and hiding the parts of ourselves that need and want the most. Understanding ways we sabotage our own self care because we don’t feel deserving of it goes, can help us step into the space of compassion where small action can turn into big changes for our well being.
Here are 3 questions to ask yourself to stop sabotaging your self care and start prioritizing yourself.
1. Why don’t I feel worthy of prioritizing myself?
When it comes to prioritizing yourself, which is really to say prioritizing what makes you feel connected and alive, safe and loved, it’s harder than simply making the changes you need to make. Often there’s a component of self sabotage in the way. Deep down you might not feel that you are worthy of that thing you want or need or dream of.
What I mean by this is that when you prioritize yourself you are admitting that you are worthy of being a priority. In that regard, how often in your life have you been told something else, an idea, a person, a trajectory must be the priority (and then felt guilty when you chose yourself)? How often were you told whether by circumstance or action or underlying message that to take care of you wasn’t safe or acceptable or proper?
There are a lot of narratives that can get in the way of you prioritizing yourself. For example, if you identify as a woman, you might feel your kids, your household responsibilities or your family take precedent over your own self care,. If you identify as a man then you might feel that your ability to hide your feelings or provide for your family through work take precedent over your well being. When considering why you don’t feel worthy of self care, taking a look at the various identities you hold and how they stereotypical beliefs about these identities impact your capacity to prioritize yourself.
Exploring the ways in which you believe you are not worthy of taking precedent, can help you more readily notice when the stories you hold about yourself are getting in the way of your self care. Remember: Stories can always be rewritten and you are worthy, inherently, of taking care of yourself.
2. Why are you not taking responsibility for your self care?
Learning to prioritize yourself requires you to be vulnerable. You have to admit you need to be nourished and cared for. You have to actually feel your feelings and admit you want rest or self love or time to yourself. You have to let down the protective armor of story and identity that keeps you always putting other people and other responsibilities in front of the responsibility you have to yourself.
Where do you displace your power and give it to others in the hopes they will give you what you want in return? People pleasing, always hustling, micromanaging your way through life are ways that you might try to seek self care through external means. Self care comes from you. It comes from the choices that you make to put yourself first. You get to please yourself. Taking that responsibility put the power back in your hands. .
It is important to note that taking responsibility for your self care, put you face to face with all of those aforementioned stories you hold about why you can’t and shouldn’t be a priority. To that end, to quote Life Coach Jennifer Ho, self care feels more like “self-torture”.
To exemplify this internal conflict, here are a few examples:
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Taking rest puts me in confrontation with my belief I am lazy and unproductive if I am not working (hello, hustle culture)
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Saying “no” and stating a boundary butts heads with the fear of being rejected and unloveable as I am (hello, people pleasing)
To prioritize your wants and needs you have to allow it to be okay to want and need these things. This means confronting the parts of you that do not feel deserving and offering them the deepest kind of understanding and love. This compassion will allow you to do the hard part of courageously showing up to rewrite your story, making yourself the priority. Over time, the small steps you take in this direction will add up changing where you place your power and giving much more of it to yourself.
3. Who benefits from my self care?
The last question to ask yourself reflects the truth that self care is not just about you. When you choose to prioritize yourself, you make space to meet others in a more nourishing and compassionate way. By filling your own cup to speak, you have the ability to fill someone elses; or, as I have heard it, “If you fill your own gas tank, you won’t leave yourself and other’s stranded on the side of the road when you all are in deep need.
While your self care impacts others, it most importantly impacts you. You benefit the most from your self care. You, when you address your wants and needs and make space for who you are, can show up more fully in your life. You can do the things you want to do. You can grow as a person. You can improve your well-being and actually make a difference. Self care is how you have the energy to keep going and then thrive in your life.
And think of what it would be like to thrive in your life.