Today I want to talk more about building self trust. For me, self trust used to be, and sometimes still is, an anxiety provoking thing. It’s as if in learning to trust myself it means that I have all the answers. I know the path to take and can assure myself I’ll get to my destination. This version of trust has always made me feel as though there is a right and a wrong direction to go when in reality life is more meandering than straight lines anyway.
What I have come to learn about self trust is that it’s not about having all the answers but rather having an answer for the moment. Trust requires radical honesty, that you will listen without judgment and with deep love to what it is your heart wants, your soul yearns for, or your body needs. Unlike a version of self trust that can predict the future with certainty, this version is malleable. What you want and need and will do is going to inherently change. In this way, just like the relationships you hold with other people, a foundation of trust is an act of commitment that you will continue to show up no matter the circumstances listening, honestly, to what exists in the moment.
This is an act of love more than anything and it is in this act of love that you can use self trust to step more fully into your life with joy, well-being and desire.
Self Trust is Another Relationship
In a relationship with another person, there needs to be trust between two people. Through consistent actions, how you show up everyday, or almost every day or as often as possible (because we are more messy than perfect) builds the foundation for what you expect of the other person. If that foundation is rocky, jagged and cracked, full of things like failed commitments, unbalanced desire or care, incompatible values, abuse, or lack of attention, anything built on top will probably, eventually fall down.
The same is true of the relationship you hold with yourself. Trust, the kind that comes from within, is essential to building a solid foundation of love. You have to know you have your own back, that when life is tough or full of all kinds of feelings, there’s something gentle and nurturing–loving–to come home to.
The Time and Complexity of Trust
In a relationship, trust takes time to be cultivated. You have to earn it and build it over time. The process of creating trust is the process of seeing your partner for who they are. Who they are is something you have to roll in your hands, and get to know all the cracks and crevices of, the soft spots, the weak spots and certainly the strengths. It is then the process of acting toward that person, flaws and all, with compassion, acceptance and understanding.
To that end, consistent self trust, the kind that can weather the worst storms, requires a similar kind of uprooting. You have to let go of the black and white, honeymoon-ed version of yourself that perhaps keeps you in the throes of external validation, and step into the mess and complexity of your humanity.
There you can hold who you are in your hands, understand that shape of you, the texture, the depths of an existence that has fears, and conditioned stories and shame. The depths of an existence that yearns to expand out of its container, to play, to be pleasured, to dream.
Trust Enables Love
Trust enables a love that has no boundaries, a love that can be with you in the joy but also in the pain, because trust holds all of you in the consistent action. How you show up for yourself today, over time, allows you to trust how you will show up for yourself tomorrow. With true internal trust you can expect that the many versions of you, in sickness and in health, will be cared for and valued and listened to. You can expect that you will take action towards your dreams, acknowledging with kindness what is hard, or worrisome or afraid.
Just like a relationship with another person, to show up with that consistency of love is not always easy or comfortable, but it is worth it. When you can stand holding hands with the darkest and the lightest parts of you knowing you’ll listen, knowing you’ll take action towards joy and desire and well-being–simply knowing you will be there through it all–you create the conditions to love yourself fully. A commitment to this love, no matter what life throws at you or what the answer will be today versus tomorrow, will help you move forward in your life making choices that gently fuel your mind, body and soul.