The other day I was triggered by something that sent me into a thought spiral. Negativity piled upon negativity and I found myself slipping back into an old habit of wanting to nit pick everywhere I perceived I was not good enough. It started with my body and ended with my character. A deep feeling of shame settled over me as my anxious mind sought to berate my very being, over and over and over again.
When this happens, and if you’re reading this perhaps it’s happened to you, it can feel like there is no way out. You have found yourself in the grips of something deeply painful and deeply vulnerable. Instead of filling that space with love, you engage with the coping mechanism of tearing yourself down.
Suddenly your world becomes trying to get somewhere else, out of the pain you are in. The only problem with this tactic, is you are not somewhere else. You are right here stuck in the middle of thoughts and feelings that seek to make you feel like your worth is conditional upon some external action or accomplishment. Something you did or did not do means to your brain and body, you are not good enough. This causes a visceral chain reaction of thoughts and feelings.
Brené Brown, a prominent psychologist would call this a shame spiral-A series of thoughts and feelings that send you reeling into “I am not worthy” territory.
When this happens there are first two things to remember:
You are worthy. Always worthy.
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You are also not alone in these spirals of painful mental chatter and physical sensation.
Grant yourself some grace.
And if you read nothing more of this blog post, I ask that you also grant yourself some compassion.
Can you show up the next time your experience a shame spiral with the intent towards kindness? Can you hold yourself in your most vulnerable with love knowing this won’t last forever, knowing there are people around you willing to listen and support, knowing right where you are at this point of painful mental contraction you still, and always will be enough?
Now if you are ready to dive deeper into overcoming these shame spirals and doing so with more self love in the midst…read on.
10 Mindfulness Tips to Stop a Shame Spiral and Super Charge your Self Compassion
These tips can be split into three different parts. These parts are based off of Psychologist Lindsey Graham’s interview with Chris Germer as well as Brene Brown’s work.
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Part 1 is all about awareness. To approach a shame spiral with more compassion we first need to know and understand the ways in which our bodies and minds react to feelings of shame AND what tends to trigger these shame spirals. The more awareness we have the easier it is to notice when we are getting caught up in negative thoughts and feelings and do something about them.
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Part 2 is about acknowledgement. You are not alone in any of this and that is important.
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Part 3 is about loving kindness. It asks the question, how to approach what you are experiencing from a lens of care so that you can build from well being.
Practice Awareness
Know your Triggers
What triggers you into a negative thought and feelings spiral is often grounded in our past. In that regard, knowing what triggers you into a shame spiral might best be done with a licensed therapist. If a therapist is not available to you journaling about the when, why and how something sparked negative self-talk and looking for patterns over time can help you identify your triggers.
A trigger can feel like something so small carries the momentum of a large wave, that swoops down and washes over you. It can feel in the words of my late therapist Lynn, like the feeling goes all the way to the “tips of your toes” and does NOT match the gravity of the situation you are in.
Triggers can come from events in our lives that happened too fast or too soon (Menakem). This could be trauma with a little “t” or trauma with a big “T”. It is important to note that trauma is subjective, so instead of minimizing your past experiences, embrace that they had an affect on you.
Noticing and understanding your triggers is a lifelong process of self exploration. It doesn’t happen overnight. It happens over time.
Know your Patterns of Mind and Body
In a similar vein to understanding your triggers, understanding your reaction to these triggers builds more awareness of what you are experiencing so that you can notice when you are spiraling into negative thinking/feeling effectively disrupting the process.
Your patterns of reacting to triggers happen both in the mind and the body.
In the body
The next time you feel you are moving into a shame spiral take a few deep breaths and notice what your body feels like. What areas feel contracted? What emotions pop up? Normally when a person is triggered their nervous system goes into fight, flight, flee, freeze or fawn mode. How do these modes manifest for you? You might be quick to argue or project your feelings onto someone else. You might engage in perfectionist or codependent behaviors. Maybe you numb through drugs, social media, work, hyper spirituality or overexercise. Taking some time to notice what your body is doing can help you recognize when you are spiraling into emotionally painful territory.
In the mind
You can employ mindfulness during a shame spiral to notice the mind as well. The more often you do this, the more often you can notice habits of how you talk to yourself in moments of negativity. What do you tend to say to yourself?
Shanley Lewis founder of Good to Me UK suggests writing down your negative self-talk so that you can clearly see the language and tone used. Once you can identify what you are saying you can begin to question this language: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? From there you can begin to modify this language to be more compassionate.
Check out Lewis’ full video here:
Acknowledge You are Not Alone
Embrace your Shared Experience
One of the ways shame festers is through its secrecy (Brown). On the contrary, one of the ways that compassion thrives is through acknowledging the humanness in what you are going through (Graham). What you are experiencing, while it might seem to be only happening to you, is something that you share with so many other human beings on the planet. You are not alone. This acknowledgement of common humanity can help you put what you are experiencing into context helping you to shift to a new more kinder perspective.
Seek Connection
We are a species that needs others to thrive. Elizabeth Earnshaw of @Lizlistens shares on Instagram that “We depend on others…to guide us, teach us and to keep us safe. We are a species that not only wants but needs a village.” (4/2). Sharing what you are going through with another person not only helps you acknowledge you are not alone, it can also help you receive that necessary love and safety from another. When you are experiencing a shame spiral and your thoughts are unkind and your body is not a safe space, having someone to compassionately sit with you or listen to you could make all the difference.
Love with Kindness (and fierceness)
Practice Fierce Compassion
I love the concept of fierce compassion coined by Dr. Kristen Neff. It is a way of strongly standing firm to boundaries to protect your own well being. Fierce compassion contains a yang energy to it. It is motivating and protective. Normally it is referred to as the compassion that we give yourself in relation to external forces (What you do and do not allow into our personal space), but I think that sometimes when it comes to negative self talk, fierce compassion can be applied to yourself too. You can say “No.” I am not allowing you (these thoughts) to talk to me in that way.
Elizabeth Gilbert in her book Eat, Pray, Love has a great quote that exemplifies fierce compassion. In this excerpt from the book she is referring to the negative thoughts that come into her mind while meditating:
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ` ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts–all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways–you may not come here anymore, either. Cannibalistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind–otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came.
Practice Nurturing and Nourishing yourself
Compassion is a kindness. Like a loving mother it stands firm in its determination to be kind to you–that feeling or thought that feels so bad and painful. Practicing nurturing and nourishing yourself when your mind is most critical is resourcing yourself in ways that foster well being. This can look like many things. It might be taking the time to do something you enjoy that makes you feel empowered. It could be sharing your feelings and thoughts with a loving friend or family member. It could be intentionally using kind words, acknowledging your common humanity or even engaging in a self care practice like meditation or exercise.
Remember the goal of this nurturing and nourishment is not “get rid” of the shame spiral. It’s to acknowledge it is happening and approach it from a lens that is much more loving and kind to yourself. Over time this does have the effect of lessening their intensity BUT that is not the point. The point is how you show up for yourself right here where things are hard.
If you’d like more practice doing this, you might want to check out A Journey to Joy. It is a 4 day guided exploration into the cultivation of well being from the inside out. We talk about how to fully be with all of our experiences even the tricky ones in ways that promote well being.
A Mindfulness Practice
Take a moment to settle into the space we are in right here.
The space that holds out heart in a gentle way.
Inhale.
Breath in what has weight to it. Heavy like a warm summer’s day.
Your face in the sunshine-smiling.
Exhale the sea within you. Can you hold yourself here, knowing beneath the waves of shame or fear or anger lies surrender–lies the comfort of acceptance.
Inhale. I am feeling–insert the truth of your experience.
Exhale. The waves rising and falling.
Inhale the deepest love. The kindest softening.
I am here. I know. I know. Exhale. May I be kind to you. What is felt in the body, what is yearned for in the heart. Inhale. I am here for you. I love you. I got you.
Works Cited
OWN. “Brené Brown: 3 Things You Can Do to Stop a Shame Spiral | Oprah’s Lifeclass | Oprah Winfrey Network.” Youtube, interview between Oprah Winfrey and Brené Brown. Oct. 6, 2013. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdtabNt4S7E&ab_channel=OWN
Earnshaw, @Lizlistens. We are a species that not only wants but needs a village. Instagram, April 2, 2021, https://www.instagram.com/p/CNL1Mj8LjTh/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
Graham, Lindsey. “The Yin-Yang of Mindful Self-Compassion.” Linda Graham, 12 Feb. 2021, lindagraham-mft.net/the-yin-yang-of-mindful-self-compassion/.
Menakem, Resmaa. My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies. Central Recovery Press, 2017.