You are scrolling through Instagram and bam it hits you–that picture, those words, the mood. You have found an idea that you want and with its finding comes a deep feeling.
Of lack. Of striving. Of “I don’t have that.”
In this space of not having, comes the weight of that not having. It is visceral which makes the thoughts that follow feel all the more real. You think “I must not be cool, or pretty or successful. I must be failing at X because I do not have Y”.
I could sit here and tell you that to solve this spiral of self negativity you must remember all feeds are curated but I won’t because chances are this feeling is not relegated to Instagram.
Chances are this “over there” mentality of desiring something that you think you do not have shows up in your friendships and your most intimate relationships, especially the one with yourself.
To lessen the problem of comparison, then, the kind that is fueled by wanting and infused with self deprecation it’s not so much about tackling the what but unearthing the why:
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Why do you need this body, this lifestyle, this relationship, this acknowledgement?
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Why are you, where you are right now, lacking?
And then more deeply, getting to the heart of it…
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Are you really lacking? Or…Why are you afraid to stand in your own vulnerability and show up where you are right now already enough?
What is preventing you from ditching the comparison and stepping into your self worth?
Unhealthy Comparison
At the heart of what you are experiencing is unhealthy comparison which we must distinguish from healthy comparison.
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Healthy Comparison means you are rooted in your own self worth and see the occasional comparison to others as a process of self development and introspection
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Unhealthy Comparison, on the other hand, is coming from a fundamental point of lack and therefore the comparison is less about self development and more about trying to fix, edit or change yourself.
Unhealthy comparison comes from a perspective that says how you show up in the world is not:
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loveable enough
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pretty enough
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cool enough
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productive enough
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Fit enough
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*fill in the blank here* enough
Self Esteem vs Self Worth
A foundation of not enoughness puts feelers out into the world looking for feedback. When you do something or experience something that proves to you, you are in fact productive or loveable or cool, your self esteem goes up. When you do something or experience something that “disproves” your enoughness your self-esteem goes down. This is based off of social theories of self esteem which state that for the most part self esteem is derived from our ability to meet external standards of success whether those standards are imposed on us by others or determined by our own extremely high expectations (Karajala).
Unhealthy comparison pits us against ourselves by saying that who we are, a fallible, unique, beautiful but fundamentally imperfect being is not good enough. Because you are looking at yourself in this way, your perspective stems from a place of lack: where you do, or rather don’t, stack up. It’s like having blinders on. You can only see right in front of you, missing the bigger picture–your picture. This stops you from seeing the abundance of who you are.
The good news is that dual theories of self esteem state that while we derive our self worth from external social expectations of ourselves, we also derive our self worth from the ways in which create agency over our lives (Karajala). The more we can act in attitude and action in ways that strengthen our respect for ourselves and our unique capabilities, the more we move from a place of enoughness even when we do not fulfill external standards.
Cognitive Distortions
When your self esteem is mainly externally focused, you might find it hard to navigate through negative thoughts. It is important to note that unhealthy comparison is considered a cognitive distortion. Cognitive distortions are habitual negative ways of thinking. Unhealthy comparison is a specific cognitive distortion in which you compare your “achievements and qualities to others’ achievements and qualities without considering the reasons we each have our own strengths and weaknesses.” (“Common Cognitive Distortions”). It doesn’t give you any credit for the uniqueness of personality, energy, creativity, ideas, or fundamental being.
Cognitive distortions stem from the way you see yourself, built from what is called schema or the beliefs, assumptions and rules about how the world works and your place in it (Rosenfield). Letting go of unhealthy comparison is in part learning to identify the “why” behind these cognitive distortions and unidentified aspects of your schema that are harmful. Unpacking these beliefs, rules and assumptions with a licensed Cognitive Behavioral therapist could serve you well in letting go of unhealthy comparison.
Which brings me to the question…
Where can you shift your attitudes and actions to cultivate a great sense of self worth?
Evaluate External Metrics of Success
Unhealthy comparison is a way of protecting yourself from the what if. The what if of being just as you are, as you are. The what if of doing things the way you were meant to do them. Of stepping in to your uniqueness, into all your strengths but also the ways you don’t conventionally meet external standards (spoiler: they are pretty bullshit, racist, sexist, ableist, fat phobic, ect…you get my point). The reality is stepping into your own worth, means relying on your own agency. It means that you are choosing to place the trust in yourself rather than external measures of “success” as the barometer for your enoughness.
This is a vulnerable place to be but it is also a real and tangible place to be, where you get to decide in what direction you want to go, creating the conditions in this moment to see the abundance of your life all around you. This requires conscious effort and conscious practice.
Shift your mindset
This video below by Paola aka @the_cottage_fairy makes a great point about how mindset is integral to stepping into a healthy space of self worth and comparison. In the video above Paola says it wasn’t until she changed her mindset and saw right where she was in her life as integral and meaningful to her personal story, could she truly enjoy the moment she was in. This made all the difference to how she approached achieving her external dream of moving from the city into the countryside. Paola stopped tying her well-being to what she had or did not have. Instead of focusing on what she was lacking, she shifted her mindset to focus on what she already had within and around her. This isn’t to say she stopped wanting to achieve her goal; rather, it’s to say she could now go after her goal in a way that was more grounded in self worth and abundance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gK6m1CkoqA8&ab_channel=TheCottageFairy
Be Gentle but Fierce
When the focus is on self worth created from our own inner agency rather than self worth derived mainly from how we stack up in relation to others there’s a gentleness to how we approach ourselves. Unhealthy comparison, on the other hand, relies on us needing to be in a position of power. We spend our days working to be at the top of a self or societally imposed hierarchy and then berate ourselves, criticize ourselves or shame ourselves, when we inevitably fall short of these external, arbitrary (and harmful) standards.
Shifting out of this mindset requires a different approach, one in which you are able to engage with yourself in a way that offers caring and kindness. Gentleness could be what we do to help ourselves feel physically more grounded in our own agency, but it can also be our attitude that helps us approach ourselves from a kinder lens.
When thinking about the ways you can be more gentle with yourself in attitude and action, you might want to also consider that doing something with force can also be done gently. What I mean by this is imposing boundaries, saying “No” with kindness to the ways in which you sabotage yourself through unhealthy comparison, is a gentle, non critical way of moving out of that lens of externally derived self esteem.
Dr. Kristen Neff, a prominent researcher on compassion calls this type of care: fierce compassion where we step forward into the truth of ourselves by protecting ourselves from external and internal harm (Neff). While she is mainly talking about using fierce compassion when imposing boundaries with others, I think that fierce compassion is a gentle way to impose boundaries on the negative self talk within ourselves too.
Notice your own agency
If the goal is to shift to a mindset of internal self worth, then it might be helpful to notice and nurture that sense of competence already within us. This is where mindfulness comes in. Practicing mindfulness or noticing the present moment by moment experience in a loving and kind (non judgemental way) has been shown to correlate positively with self-esteem. It also has been shown to correlate with greater feels of self acceptance. In other words, mindfulness can help you shift your mindset and approach yourself with gentleness so that you can more clearly see your inherent beauty.
There are many ways to practice mindfulness, but no right way. The fun part about letting go of unhealthy comparison is figuring out what actions and attitudes you would like to cultivate that help you feel more connected to yourself and your experience in a loving and kind way. Some examples of mindfulness practices that can help you build self worth are:
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Loving-kindness meditation also known as Metta Meditation (Note: This is the meditation found in A Journey to Joy: 4 Day Guided Exploration of Well Being)
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Writing a daily love letter or affirmation to yourself
Jacy Cunningham has a great video talking about this.
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Starting a daily list of all you are grateful for about yourself
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Mindful movement that feels nourishing NOT punitive
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Write down positive affirmations, you would like to embody in your life.
You are abundant
Letting go of unhealthy comparison is a lifelong journey of ebb and flow. You don’t have to be perfect, in fact you can’t be perfect, but the more you approach yourself from a foundation of inner capability and agency, the more you approach yourself with gentleness and notice the ways in which you both nurture and sabotage your sense of self, the easier and more often you will be able to move from a space of abundance–grounded in self worth.
Works Cited
“Common Cognitive Distortions.” Therapy in Philadelphia, Therapy in Ocean City NJ, Therapy in Richmond VA, 3 July 2020, www.therapyinphiladelphia.com/tips/common-cognitive-distortions/.
Karajala, Lynn Mary. “Internal versus External Self-Esteem : a New Measure.” ScholarWorks@UMass Amherst, scholarworks.umass.edu/dissertations_1/1835/?utm_source=scholarworks.umass.edu/dissertations_1/1835&utm_medium=PDF&utm_campaign=PDFCoverPages.
Neff, Kristen. “Why Women Need Fierce Self-Compassion – Self-Compassion.” Self, 9 Oct. 2018, self-compassion.org/women-fierce-self-compassion/.
Rosenfield, Bradley Michael. “Relationship Between Cognitive Distortions and Psychological Disorders Across Diagnostic Axes” 2004. PCOM Psychology Dissertations. Paper 119. https://digitalcommons.pcom.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1118&context=psychology_dissertations.